Pam's Path

Recently I had 3 of my granddaughters stay a few days with me as they do from time to time and much to my delight. Reflecting on our time I was most impressed with their creativity. It has amazed me all their lives. Children, in general, are amazing. Your own children and their children are so special that most others just pale by comparison. I talk so much about the kids in Africa that I often don’t showcase the ones I love most right here at home.

When the girls are up I can count on being entertained. They aren’t meaning to entertain, they just are having fun. I love giving attention to their good behavior and they love earning it. The first day they came up this time their dad started them on a venture by piling up snow as he shoveled our driveway. Soon they had made, not just a simple snow fort but, tunnels through the snow pile! Three girls, three tunnels going all the way through and a snow angel lying in the snow beside it. Next creation became a snowgirl instead of a snowman because a skirt was easier than the ball at the bottom of a snow man. Smart don’t you think?

Once inside and warmed with some hot chocolate, they found my Christmas decorations and added their touches. The pretty white porcelain reindeer gained a tiny Santa hat. Their room had garland draped around with stuffed animals interspersed in it. I had never thought of that and loved the idea. Maryn had made everyone Christmas cards before she came and passed them out with pride. Marley made me a favorite ornament. I will keep this one to show to her children if I get to live that long. It is a picture of her at age 6 in the middle of a circle colored beautifully to hang on my tree every year. I have one from Maya she did in a ceramics studio that I showcase each year as well. Maya also did a butterfly picture that I framed and put on my kitchen wall this year. It wasn’t for Christmas but this was the first holiday I could show it off to all who entered my home. You can see it on the left in the background of the picture showing the craft they did hanging from my light fixture (the one on the right was done several years ago by my grandson, Dante) (You can probably tell I like butterflies).

One breakfast I made pancakes in shapes for them to figure out what they were eating. You know, stars, bells, snowmen, angels, a J for Jesus or a candy cane upside down, etc. They had lots of fun with this and came up with things I never even thought of. But the most surprise was seeing the added halo on the angel in the middle of my table!

I keep pictures and things on my refrigerator door held up by magnets. This Christmas one of my sons gave me these cool little magnetic balls to “clean up” the cluttered look. These balls can be used for quite a variety of creations. One of which I snapped as Maryn wrote a loving message to me with them.

I discovered a craft when I was a substitute for an art teacher called melting beads. This has kept kids busy at my house for years. I highly recommend it if you don’t already have some. They take little beads and slip them on a small tray in a pattern. Then I melt the beads by ironing them and they stick together to make a small individual art piece. This year the creations were for presents also wrapped and proudly presented on Christmas morning. I have the two I received (sadly I am missing the third) to remember this year by. Each year they get more sophisticated in their designs and I am more and more impressed.

The most creative award this year goes to Maya who found some small ornaments that looked like presents. Instead of putting them on the tree she took a piece of construction paper and cut out a mouse hole, set it against my wall and laid the “presents” outside the mouse door.  Imagination is such a gift and it is a gift that gives to others as, in this case, I really enjoyed showing off the little mouse scene.

Marley gave the best presentation this year when she went up in front of the whole church to listen to the youth preacher talk about Christmas. Actually she did most of the talking! She had the Youth Pastor and the whole congregation delighting in her. I was especially proud as she told all of us why we celebrate Christmas. “It’s because Jesus was born and he came to die for our sins”.

God is the true Creator. He created the world and all that is in it. He created all of us and then a plan that all of us could live with Him forever. He delights in his creation as I delight in my granddaughters.  He is proud as we learn and grow and tell others about His Son and what Love is all about. I am so incredibly blessed to get to share my life with my grandchildren. I hope He is just as blessed with us as His creation and we all get to share our lives with Him now and forever.

Can you see both the old woman and the young one?

The Bible says the older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands. I am officially older now since I just had to sign up for Social Security so I guess I better get to it! Actually we had a sermon one Sunday that I thought had some good stuff in it that I want to pass on along with some words of my own. The sermon was directed to the men with a few admonitions to the women. I have not been given the mandate to teach the men (even though I might have a few things to say to them too!) so I have redirected what I heard to speak to the women. If what you read applies to you please consider it and take it in. If it doesn’t don’t take it personal and get defensive. Everything I say is said in love and no one is singled out as “guilty” (except for, maybe, me).

First the goal is to have a great marriage. Not just a good marriage, not just one to get through, to learn from, to make work, but a great one! You have to really want this. It usually doesn’t just happen. It may be the greatest test we will encounter. Most of us fail the test. I certainly have.

Having failed I am determined to do better this time. I want to cherish this man so much that there will be no possibility of failure. When I find myself not cherishing him I have to look at myself and not him. Oh, he can be pretty exasperating. He is far from perfect and my first and strongest course of action (or reaction) is to take his faults and try to make him better. He can be a huge project! However, I am not really called to fix him. I have much I am called to do but it starts with how I am seeing him. I can focus on his faults quite easily. OR I can follow a lovely passage in the Bible that tells me in Philippians 4:8 “whatsoever things are true ,whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just , whatsoever things are pure, whatsoeverthings are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report ; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise , think  on these things.” These are pretty opposite of my human tendencies but excellent words to live by. It is amazing how much more I love my husband when I look at him through these eyes. And it is even more wonderful how much more he loves me when I look at him through these eyes. I have actually accomplished what I really wanted when I was trying to “fix” him. But rather than get angry with him accentuating the mess he is I am loving him unconditionally bringing about the changes I desperately want. I have just gotten myself in line rather than trying the impossible, to change his unwanted behavior. Seems backwards but God really knows what He is talking about.

Once I have made this change in my perspective the next step is easier to put into action. Live to make him happy. What! What about me?! Doesn’t my happiness count? If I am living to make him happy how can I be happy? Doesn’t seem fair at all! Let’s look at this. I married this man because I love him. I thought he would make me happy for the rest of my life. He probably thought the same thing. There is just something that doesn’t add up. First of all no one can make another happy. If that person chooses to be unhappy there is nothing I can do about it. I can do things I know he likes and hope that he responds well but I can’t make him respond the way I want. But if I expect him to make me happy the same is true. He can be just wonderful and I might be hormonal and nothing he does makes one bit of difference. Or maybe I am just tired or frustrated from work or irritated with the kids or any number of other things and no matter how great he is I am still tired or frustrated or irritable. He can’t make me happy either. But that being said, I can still decide to live to make him happy and that will set the stage for the life I crave to live. Play around with this idea for awhile. The happier he is the happier I will be if both of us love each other. Now I am NOT recommending martyrdom! I know it sounds like it but that is not what I mean. Just the scripture that says we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves tells us that love is to be the prevailing motivation. If we are being martyrs then we aren’t acting out of love for either ourselves or our mates. There is a fine line here. I could go on about this more but let’s go on and maybe we can flesh this one out more at another time. I actually invite responses to anything I am saying. Sometimes I don’t get things said well the first time around.

Step number 3; Deal with problems as a team. Learn to work together. This one has been really hard for us. I want thing to go my way and he wants things to go his. He is convinced his way is better and I know perfectly well my way is best. Never the twain shall meet. One of us has to give. Egos are fragile. If I let him make the decisions it looks like I don’t have a brain in my head. If he lets me then it looks like he has lost his manhood. I can’t believe how hard it is for me to let him do whatever he is doing without trying to control it all. Many times my way is the best way. But if I look at it like I would my children instead of a husband I would see it as a time for them to learn and not as a time to show them up. My job is to be his helper not to undermine him. I really want him to be the leader. I don’t really want that role even though I fight for it often. Genesis 2:18 says “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” I am to be his helper. That is what I was created for. I don’t have to do this life by myself nor does he. We are a team. I am strong in some ways he isn’t and vice versa. Together we are one. Sometimes I am to challenge his decisions, to point out possible problems, to predict outcomes he hasn’t seen. I am to help him, not lie down and be walked on. We are a team, equals with different roles. We can’t do without each other. He may be the pilot but I am the navigator. He is flying the plane but I may need to tell him that there is a mountain up ahead he can’t see so he can alter his course. I am not to take the controls, we are flying this plane together. He is capable, or I wouldn’t have chosen him in the first place, but he sure needs my help. The Bible says that two are better than one. I believe that! If one falls down the other can help him or her up. If one is in danger the other can defend him/her. If they are yolked together the load they pull is easier, There is more power, more safety etc. Do you believe your mate is an asset? Are you an asset? Learn to work together.

I am a gift from God to him but sometimes I don’t act like any kind of gift. There are scriptures I would rather not repeat about a nagging woman; Proverbs 25:24 “It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Rather I would like to be the Proverbs 31 woman who opens her mouth with wisdom. I also love to remember Proverbs 25:11 “A word fitly spoken [is like] apples of gold in pictures of silver”. Actually I have a necklace that has a golden apple in a setting of silver. It is to remind me to watch my words. I want to speak words of life and not curses. There is a book that teaches about how we either bless or curse with our words. Why would I knowingly want to curse my husband. If I don’t watch my words that is exactly what I do. Ecclesiastes 3:7 tells me there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. Wow, if I would just follow that wisdom! The Bible has a lot to say about the tongue. Check these out:

We better listen up!  What we are talking about here is in that last verse “love life and see good days” or as I put it earlier, have a great marriage.

One last thing, wives are to respect their husbands. It is an interesting phenomenon that if we respect them they will love us. I know, I know, we can say if they love us then we will respect them but remember what I said about how we can only change ourselves. (I did say that earlier didn’t I?). God says it best in Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This can be debated rather heatedly. I know as I have been in these debates. What if my husband does things I don’t respect?  What if I simply don’t respect him. Bottom line is that God created us and he sanctifies marriages. He knows what He is doing! So test it out. Try respecting your husband and see what happens. It helps when you go back to the start of this letter and only look at the good in him. He needs respect like you need love. Listen to him. He will tell you this in millions of ways. Way too many of our husbands are starved for respect.

Well, I didn’t know this would turn out to be a book rather than a letter! Rather long. I may have lost you a long time ago. I hope you know I am not judging you. Actually I propose you don’t judge either. Not me or your husband. It is dangerous as we are judged as we judge. Also not a good idea to judge yourself. Give yourself grace and let patience abound. Remember the goal—a GREAT MARRIAGE!

My view as I am sitting in the hospital room is of my mother, her back to me, sitting beside the hospital bed holding my Dad’s hand. He is looking into her eyes and she is returning his look with as much love as I think I have ever seen travel between them. Not just a passing glance but a long, full of meaning, look that seemed to come from deep within their souls. He has been close to death and they both know it but this moment they have been given is frozen in time. 67 years they have been together. Not all of them good years but together they stayed. They took their vows seriously at 16 and 18. Now at 84 and 86 they face the very real possibility of being separated. “Until death do us part”. How can any of us understand the life connection these two have? We haven’t even begun to have as many years together as they. Most of us have broken vows.

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Finding some old pictures scattered around Mom’s house did quite a number on me. Laying on top of the pile sitting by my computer is one of me as a 11 year old being baptized. Forrest G. Bailey is doing the honors in a lovely baptistry with a mural of a river behind us. At the time I thought it was like sort of like being in the Jordon River.

Forrest Bailey could quote the whole Bible, I think. He was the pastor at First Christian Church in Carthage, MO. More importantly to my family he was the one that intrigued my dad. Forrest would quote scriptures to prove what other scriptures meant so practically his whole sermon was scripture and King James scripture at that! I don’t recall him using notes. It was all from memory. No overhead, no electronic anything, just memory. Daddy didn’t really believe it at first. He would have me take notes during the sermon and later he would look them up to see if they really said what Forrest said they said. They always did! From there Daddy and Mom decided to take a class to learn more about the scriptures. The class was actually a Preacher Training Course. In their thirst for understanding and knowledge they were being trained to preach. Not at all in the plans my father had for his life! That is another story for another time.

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I met this kid when he followed my son in from playing to have a snack. We hadn’t lived in this new house, in this new town, in this new State, very long. He was so cute I, being single at the time, asked if his dad, who’s wife had just left him, was as cute as the kid!
I actually married that dad and the kid became my step son! I had three sons already and now I added a younger boy and a girl. They were easy to love and love them I did.
Kevin and I have a special relationship. I have fond memories of his growing up. Like the time he and I were walking down the street arm in arm until we came near one of his friend’s house. He abruptly disengaged until we passed out of sight of that house and then we went back arm in arm. He couldn’t let his teenage friends see him with his step mother! Or the times he came to me for advice or watching him do his sports or singing a solo in the choir concert. Many proud times! Many troubled times as well as with all kids growing up. Heart breaking times when I wasn’t sure he would make it.

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